Home: A Place To Live

Home:  A Place To Live

By Joy Lynn Clark

07/28/2019

Let’s go back to 2008.  I sought treatment because I was constantly hearing voices.  I was told it was schizophrenia.  I looked up schizophrenia, the major marker is hearing voices however, some of the positive and negative symptoms include thinking backwards and not knowing the difference between right and wrong.  A marker for those who need to go to the mental hospital is whether a person is a danger to themself or others.  I am not.

I began my treatment for mental health.  It was very clear that I am hearing things all of the time however, I was not like the other patients that I would meet with the same diagnosis.  Everyone knew it.  I went along with it for years.  I tried different medications, I went to therapy.  I even got involved in group therapy and group activites with folks who truly have serious issues mentally.    At one point I thought that there might be a chance that someone could take my child from me if they deemed that I was unfit due to this diagnosis. 

I made sure that I lived my life on the straight and narrow.  While I was waiting on disability I had to move back in with my folks.  My child and I lived a pretty decent life there.  There house was comfortable and my child went to a good school.  I did not live there for free however, and paid some bills (cell phone, car insurance, food, rent, etc.).  I eventually started to get disability which is very helpful, but very hard to live off of alone.

The medication was helpful in losing some of the voices.  On the other hand, it seemed as if it was only true because I was sleeping alot and in a fog most of the time.  I decided to get a part-time job.  I wanted to move out on my own again.  I also started dating again.

With my income tax refund from working, I decided to upgrade a few things in my studio.  Over the years, I made many tracks and wrote lots of songs but, I had not recorded anything decent in years (update, by decent I mean it wasn’t some explicit rap, it was much more melodic and quite frankly, I thought that I had lost my edge).  I wrote and produced at the same time which is a first for me.  It was a pretty good experience.  One thing that I did not want to do, was rap.  I decided to go for an electronic, alternative style with me singing.

I felt that I needed to stop rapping because in the past the male-dominated rap industry was just not going to let me do it.  With my old work, many men took the credit (like, literally tell people it is their writing and their production) and never gave me a shot.  I was never recognized as a writer, producer, or emcee with rap.  People passed my old work around everywhere.  Nobody was contacting me and I knew it was in the street somewhere.  So, I decided to go in a different direction.  I figured that I had enough strong singers in my family that maybe, I can get their support.  Things were going well, with my new project.  I wasn’t sounding like the best singer but, the project was coming out well.  I thought to myself, “I am no Whitney Houston but, these songs are well-written, well-produced, and quite possibly are radio ready.”

My Pops comes in while I am making a house track.  Pops says, “Do you rap?”.   I was like, “nope no rap but, check out this house track”.  I am not sure which came first but, I also told him I was going to release an album.

Before my child was even thought of and, while I was out in the scene and trying to get noticed as a rap act, I lived a fast life.  As a parent, I wanted to leave that life behind.  I felt that continuing to rap was going to let me fall back into the same crowd that I was trying to leave behind.

I was really proud of this new album.  However, I was getting mixed reviews from the singers in the family.  I figured that they were going to be hard on my singing because they are hard on everyone.  I thought that the album was going to be dope anyway.  I was finished and started planning my release.

I was writing and recording a new song.  I started singing into the mic.  OMG I sound good as hell!  This is as good as Mariah Carey!  I was even backing myself up with some nice harmonies.  (I already felt like this in my mind and was kind of down about the fact that it never came out that way despite my best efforts.)   With my pending realease, I thought that I need to showcase my awesome voice that others can finally hear besides me.  I made many mistakes and learned alot making The Isis Spacejet Chronicles.  Right at the end, I found my beautiful recording voice.

I did not even want to tell the guys that I was dating that I was on disability for schizophrenia.  So I lied.  I told them that we were living off of child support.  This did not make things better.  No one would take me seriously.  I would disagree with my folks and they would say, “that’s because you have a mental illness”.  Of the guys that I was dating they would either say, “You are unstable, or taking advantage of child support”.

I really got no child support at all.  I was in touch with my kids’ pops but, he never really wanted to pitch in.  He did however, send him clothes and gifts from time to time.  It was rare, though.

Relationship-wise I imagined that I would be a pretty good match for a nice guy who is working.  I had a small income and no debt.  I had worked out in my mind that we could be happy and have a successful marriage with two incomes (even two small ones).  I did not need much more to get by but, the rental market was expensive with just my small income.  Marriage would be a good option for me if I had any prospects.  The guy that I had been dating off and on for years asked me what I would say if he proposed.  Boy, did he catch me off guard.  I did not know what to say.  I did not even think he was that he was serious about me.  I also, was unsure about his income.  I stupidly did not answer and he did not to talk to me anymore.

My debts were paid off and I had some decisions to make.  Secretly, I wanted to buy a house and I was hoping that  I could get something for first-time home buyers.  Where I lived, there were some towns and neighborhoods that were selling homes for like, $50,000.  I calculated that my mortgage would be between $400.00 to $600.00 per month which is the kind of payment that I need.  Unfortunately, my credit was not bad but, it wasn’t good either.  My BFF who is a homeonwner told me that I would need to establish some credit.  My bank gave me a card with a $300.00 limit.  I did not seem to be establishing much and, I was maxxing out and paying off often.  I didn’t think that I was going to be able to establish myself the way that my friend suggested so, I decided that I was just going to have to get a good paying job.  I canceled the bank card because I would rather just take care of it when I need to. Marriage did not really seem to be an option either. 

I also decided to apply to school.  I may never get that homebuyers grant so I will probably have to save it up myself.  My grades were pretty good and I thought that I could get a scholarship or a grant, and I did.  I was accepted at all of the schools that I applied to except for one, Southern Illinois University.  I wanted to go to Southern the most.  They have a very good program for lab techs and I thought that this could be a good career for me if I did not make it in music.   In addition, they had good family housing and all sorts of programs for single parents.  Also, lab techs make a decent salary and I figured that I would not have to spend a long time in school.

I could not stand that my decision making was being questioned by everyone around me.  I was not sure if I should go back to school or just look for a new place to live.  I used the keywords: apartment for rent, $400 and decided to see what comes up.  It was Ohio.  I decided to plan a trip to Ohio to look for apartments that I can afford.  $400 seems nice but, could be a slum so I must go see.  Luckily, I have a friend stationed on an air force base and we can visit at the same time.  Do I need school, marriage, or just some cheap rent?

I told my stepma my plans.  She did not want me to go.  They were concerned about the weather etc.  Pops was at work.  I heard voices saying, “You better leave now because the weather is going to get bad”.  It was now or never as far as I was concerned.  Just as I was preparing to leave, I started hearing voices saying things like, “Bad Moms”.  “Bad Mom?”, we must get out of here immediately.

I wasn’t ready right this minute but, I was not going to let my folks keep me from going.  It was October 2011 and I had to decide whether I can lower my cost of living or if I will simply need a higher salary.  So we packed, left,  and spent the night at my girlfriend’s house until it was time to hit the road.

We got to Ohio.  It was like a mini vacation,  we stayed in a hotel and ate meals in restaurants.  My kid and I liked the getaway if only for a couple of days.  I looked at apartments, $400 was like a base price and with all of the add-ons that I was going to need, it was no different than Chicago.  However, I looked at one place that I liked and was considering moving there.  It was across the street from a nice looking elementary school and, I thought that my child might like that. 

When my friend in the military picked us up from the hotel, he was eager to take us to see his place.  At this time, I had been celibate for awhile and secretly wanted to go myself but, my logic knew better.  Even if this is considered a first date, it its however, the first date.  I insisted on going to a restaurant.  I, my child, and my friend had lunch.  I was cheered up by the fact that my friend had the same allegies as me and, I thought that we might be able to date if I move to Ohio.  From my hotel room, I called Gram to make sure she is not worrying about us.  She acted as if I needed my head checked so, I turned off my phone.  This trip was pretty pleasant but, folks were stressing me.

I check out of the hotel, and hit the road back to Illinois.  Once we were passing through Indiana we began getting snow.  The negative thoughts kept rushing back as I got closer to home.  Still in Indiana but only 40 minutes outside of Chicago, we crash.  I remember my driver training and steer the car so that I take the impact.  My son’s airbag was deployed.  Mine did not.  I was so afraid that my child was hurt but, he seemed to be ok.  We ride with the tow truck and were dropped off at a fast food place to wait for a ride home.  The tow truck driver gives me a form with information about where my car would be.  Surprisingly, the offical’s name on the form was the same name as my stepmas.  My sibling comes to pick us up. 

I wanted pops to go back with me to Indiana to see about my car.  He refused and told me to deal with my problems myself.  I asked my BFF and she agreed to take me.  She drove me to Indiana where I was given a small amount of money for my car which seemed to be totaled.  It would have been more than that but, they took towing fees and a daily storage rate. 

I was so tierd and slept most days.  I dragged myself out of bed to care for my child.

While I was getting my child dressed for school, I passed out in his room.  I awoke in a puddle of urine and was lifted onto a guerney and taken to the emergency room.  I noticed some of my child’s toys broken near the wall and I was concerned that I had maybe hit my head.  Pops went with me.  I was aked if i was on drugs or alcohol.  I replied, “no”.  On the other hand, I was not sure at all what happened to me.

While in the ER Pops told the doctor that I was schizophrenic.  I was livid.  It was hard to hold my anger back.   I had just had a car accident where my car was totaled.  I felt that whatever just happened was physical, not mental.  However, I did not know what just happened.  The doc game me a pamphlet on schizophrenia.  “Thanks doc”.  They were going to release me without any tests or anything.  I stood my ground and asked for a brain scan.  I was so pissed at pops for divulging.  (It has been my experience that if I mention schizophrenia, I get mental health treatment.  I really believed that I needed medical treatment for something). 

In the ER, I got the scan that I was demanding.  The Doc said everything looks fine and I was released. My folks treated me like I had all sorts of problems.  They were getting on my last nerves.  I finally asked my child what he saw.  He said, “Your eyes rolled in the back of your head and you fell out.”  I decided to keyword my symptoms: passing out, urinating on yourself . . . seizure.  Damn, I had a seizure.  My folks are gonna kill me.  I have to move immediately. 

I was holding out for my Southern acceptance letter which never came.  I decided to go to UIC (the University of Illinois at Chicago) that January as a Biology major.  I figured that I could at least get there by public transportation.  I commuted nearly 2 hours a day with a 5 mile walk for the first semester.  Out of curiosity, I contacted Southern Illinois University, I actually was accepted, but the paperwork just never arrived.  I chose 😯 clock classes at UIC so that I could be home in the early afternoon to care for my child. 

My child kept breaking out in a rash that looked like exzema.  I demanded an allergy test.  I was sent to the hospital where he was given a urine test.  The result for my child was, wheat, soy, milk, eggs, nuts, grass, and trees.  He was also given allergy meds and an asthma inhaler.  I said to my stepma, “he can’t have anything”.  He hated the allergy table at school and cried when I told him he can’t have peanut butter and jelly anymore.  We were already vegan and had been for years. New lunch, Sun Butter on $8.00 a loaf gluten-free bread.  He hated the taste and I hated the price.

Again, the folks were getting on my last nerves.  They would call me on my cell phone complaining about my child’s behavior in the morning.  I am thinking, “You can’t just put the kid on the bus for me?.”  Frankly, I knew I was asking alot of them so I made his lunch and picked out his clothes the night before. 

My new record was out.  On the other hand, with this awesome voice of mine, maybe I can rap again.  I told my family and friends that Isis Spacejet was on the market.  I asked my folks with TV and Video if they could help me make one.  I was bummed because no one wanted to help me with it.  I desperately wanted to distribute to MTV where I was pretty sure I could get placement but, they need  video.  I started to think I would have to make an animation or something.  I was in school, and also producing “Hologram Dance”.  With my studies, there was no way I was going to create an awesome animation for my music video but, it was nice to fantasize.  Also, I was so focused on my lyrical content that I looped most of the beats from a soundkit.  However, I have had the drums for a very long time and they are reminiscent of, “Bang My Sh!t”, which I composed many years before for the Electronic Music Festival in Miami back in 2002 or 2003.

On the way to school, I started taking video. I would capture my whole commute with my phone.  I decided to edit it.  Boy was that boring as hell.  I guess the video is gonna have to wait.

At school, I start exploring housing options.  My university did offer family housing.  I made an appointment to check it out.  The monthly rent was quite expensive and there was a long waiting list.  While I was there, the RA gave me a link to off-campus housing for University Students.  I found an affordable place and finally moved back to the city (5 minutes from the University) with my child in January.