My Heart
By Joy Lynn Clark
8/23/2024
I’ve always enjoyed coming from the south suburbs into the city. My parents grew up a block away from each other and I always got a chance to see both sets of my grandparents.
When I moved in with my dad and stepmother we would either come up by the interstate or we would simply ride straight up Halsted Street. On Papi’s side we’d head to Saint Helena’s for church on Sunday morning and on Pawpaw’s side we would go to church at Trinity. I always loved to beg my favorite aunt to take me to the Purple Cow for ice cream Sundaes and candy. I also became fond of my stepmom’s parents who are also from the same neighborhood just across Hallsted.
Time passes and my step-brother and I grew up somewhat. The Purple Cow finally moved and Leak and Sons funeral parlor moved in down the street. What a flashy place but in a good way. We do our normal pass down Halsted to see the grandparents and you couldn’t help but notice the shiny casket cars with Chrome and the drive-through viewing with shiny lights. The fact that there was even a drive through viewing was the talk of the neighborhood. Inside however, I am glad that I’ve never been to visit yet.
Eventually, Papi and grandma sold their Roseland home and moved farther south to the suburbs near my dad and stepmother. Just before that, Pawpaw and grandma sold their home and ended up on the far northside. My stepbrother’s family stayed in the neighborhood so I still got to visit for some holidays.
Once I became a young adult, I wasn’t able to visit quite as much as much but I still did from time to time. I was busy working my tail off with school, work, and my entertainment career. Although I was still in Chicago, my new life on the northside seemed like a million miles from the far south side and suburbs of my youth.
When I went to City College North, I lived with Pawpaw and grandma in the building where nearly all of my mom’s family lived. I eventually made a bunch of friends up north and I graduated from college. I got a job at a publishing house and then a tech firm. After that, I started doing contract work. During this time I figured that I was going to need a few more skills so I went back to school to study production. I went to school downtown and I lived briefly in Bronzeville. Going to school part time and working full-time was tough and I decided to go back to the northside and do things the other way.
The whole family wasn’t really keen on my moving back so I just stayed a semester and got my own place again. Now, I am straight up hustling. I met Tez and Shyste, did street promo for club nights and concerts, and I sold our original music CDs for cash. I even joined BMI though my aunt preferred ASCAP. Too late now. The tech firm and the publishing house seemed a long way from my label/talent agency. I was even doing live performances and runway shows.
With the street promo gig, we always had to visit the print house. While at the printers I had to do the mailing list where I always invited my friends from around the country. I also kept on applying for work. My life is awesome but I still am not making enough money.
Sometimes I would think about my fast life and remember Papi and grandma. I went to the lake and the south suburbs to catch up with them. They are getting older now but I am so glad to see them again. Dad and stepmom seemed really irritated about how broke I still am and I could feel it. Dad always gave me a few dollars and I would be glad but also embarrassed. I always just wanted to impress my dad with my independence just once. I was getting all of the street CRED and none of the money. I need a good salary now!
Eventually I decided to break ties with Shyste and Tez. I didn’t always agree with Tez on certain things and Shyste already had a full-time job. Just after the split I continued to look for full-time work. I got a couple of contracts but still no good salary.
Eventually, I met my child’s father at the studio and got pregnant five minutes later. My contract ended and I had to do something to make ends meet so I started working in a hotel as a host and banquet server. I felt ashamed to tell my parents. However, my aunt called them after she saw me big belly and all on the bus.
To my surprise my parents were thrilled. Mom threw me an awesome baby shower and nobody judged me harshly like I thought that they would. After I had the baby, Papi and grandma were so pleased. Grandma was starting to look tierd but I knew that she was proud to be a great-grandma. Dad took me aside and told me of her condition and I tried to be as helpful as I could.
The cemetery scandal ends up on the news. Also, I was laid off from my job while I was at home on maternity leave. I was mailed a meager severance check. I quickly got trained as a server in another restaurant and went to work. I am glad that I was in the hotel union at my last job.
My child’s father moved back to his home state. My dad and stepmother came often to pick up the baby. I was also quite interested in the cemetery scandal. On the other hand, after all of these years of working hard I am downright exhausted. One of my friends on the new job was dreaming of the day that she could make a transfer to the Hawaii restaurant. I don’t know if she ever did but she went on about it often.
I really liked to have my own money and my new live-in boyfriend worked part time. I was struggling so bad with my energy levels that I talked him into full-time work and I reduced my hours to part time. I’ve gone nearly 2 years without making any music. My step-brother gave me a brand new computer that he built himself. I bought myself a new keyboard and my boyfriend gave me a guitar. I am not living the fast life that I once had, but I enjoyed raising my baby and getting a chance to once again write music.
Although I was struggling with my health, it felt like I was making the best music of my life. I took a couple of guitar lessons and wrote, “Things“ (I have been working at this song for years and I might actually finish it sometime in the near future). I also learned to read TAB. I was also able to stop relying so heavily on samples. I had even watched a few programs on how the music industry feels about sampling and I knew that I simply could not afford it. A voice inside even told me so years before when I joined BMI.
Eventually my grandmother on Papi’s side passed away and I was thankful that she at least got to meet her first great grandbaby. I mention that again because it was the last photo I have of her. As we attended the funeral on the southside I couldn’t help but wonder, “Do we have ancestors that were involved with that cemetery that was on the news?”
I was so exhausted and I wanted my boyfriend to make more money. “Why don’t you take the police exam?“. “ If you don’t, I will take it myself” I threaten. “No, don’t take the exam I will look into it“ he responds in an appeasing way. I eventually found out that my boyfriend didn’t really have the education. Which meant that he had lied to me since we first met. I was like, “why were you so ashamed when we both met at the hotel?” So once again, I decide to send out my résumé some more. Eventually, I have to get back on meds and I haven’t needed them since I was a kid. I also just couldn’t deal with all of my boyfriend’s lying. He already was working as a security guard and I was sure that a police salary would really help our family. We could have maybe even gotten married. Only we will never get married because he is a liar.
I eventually broke up with my boyfriend and I moved back home once again. Only this time I am back at Dad’s house with a four year old. As soon as I arrived, my step-brother potty trained him instantly. For months I would try and explain things to him but the boy just couldn’t catch on to what I was saying. Things are already starting to improve, I think.
Papi started dating the prettiest old creole lady that I have ever seen. I was charmed right away and I decided that she could be my grandma figure. Dad seemed to be worried about his inheritance even though he didn’t go out and say it. Papi’s girlfriend told me about all of her husbands and the things that she had inherited from them. I felt that she was so funny with her southern drawl. Even though I had never even had one husband, I liked to sit and get schooled by Papi’s girlfriend. Next my stepmom would try and help me get clothes just so I could catch a good guy. Papi and his lady lived just a few minutes away by my bestie from back in the day.
Although I still felt like a bum moving back home, nobody clowned me and I was glad for the help since my medication left me really lethargic at times. Nonetheless, I eventually got another job. I also started taking a bartending class and distribute my latest album.
On the other side, I went to visit Pawpaw and Grandma up north. As soon as I arrived, they insisted that I do another family tree. My great aunt was there and I recorded my interview with her about Louisville.
I got home and asked Dad about his side of the family and he handed me a box of funeral leaflets and other family stuff. I knew it. We do have family buried in that cemetery! I grabbed my preschooler and we went straight to 127th and Pulaski tohave a look at the graves. I took the cemeteries leaflets and instructed the personnel that the headstones were starting to sink into the earth.
Next, I was grateful to visit my sister in California where she totally works in retail. On the other hand, who am I to talk?
Finally, I received my bartending certification and I started tending bar. I happily said goodbye to all of my friends at the diner. I am relieved that I won’t have to be humbled by seating all of my professional friends from high school with good salaries. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t work there long because the owner was so cheap. Upon my hiring, we agreed on a flat rate for my shift plus whatever tips I make. This one particular Saturday he asked me to work the afternoon card tournament and then closeout the club night. At close, I asked for my fee for the two shifts and he refused. On top of that, he had the nerve to make me do a thorough inventory into the wee hours of the morning so I quit.
At the same time, I started getting college recruitment letters again. At first I was like Nah, no more school for me. However, the recruiters just kept coming and since I had nothing better to do, I decided to go back to college, on scholarship.
In addition, My stepbrother’s dad passesd away and he also got engaged. I did manage to show my support by attending the funeral but, I wasn’t there enough for him when his dad first took ill. I had just started university and I was commuting back and forth to the city for class. My sister who is in LA also got engaged and I feel like an advertisement telling her all about my album release.
Next, I gave Pappy a call and he is happy to hear from me. I wanted to stop by for a visit but he and his lady are on their way up to the lake. I’ve been meaning to introduce him to my bestie who really does live up the block and he replies, “I don’t mind however you should run it by your dad first”. I asked dad and he is pissed like I’m going behind his back or something. I regretted never getting to introduce my Papi to my bestie. Now I think that my dad, stepmother, and bestie are all acting strange again. I am sick of this commute and I am ready to move near the university.
I quickly found a cute little place just South of the school. The landlord was a nice Mexican -American that I could practice my Spanish with. My boy started first grade at the neighborhood CPS school (Chicago Public Schools) and I quickly regretted it. I forgot about public school in the city and I started looking for a parochial school. I also was unable to find work, not even bartending. I started seeing a therapist.
Eventually I decided to homeschool. Also, that cemetery story airs again. This time I called the number on the news program and the officer informs me that if I signed the cemetery’s guestbook in the past then they will get in contact with me.
I started taking my boy to all of the free things in the city that I could come up with. I also wrote stories about it and took photographs. Once I ran into Twista at the sneaker promo around the corner from my apartment. I was having a coffee and walking with my boy while he was having hot chocolate.
My brother’s wedding is coming up and I was so upset that he didn’t invite me to be more involved. I then asked for a + 1 so that I could bring a friend and they gave me a hard time. The whole while I am complaining my **** off to my therapist. I also blamed my parents alot. On the day of the wedding I sat at the table with my brother’s interns and I complained about not getting to sit with my family.
My dad and my mom got cancer. Then Papi died. Next, my cousin in LA calls and says the same thing. I am starting to think that he is a parrot. When I called him back, he made me feel like I am a parrot. I decided to bitch on to my therapist about it.
Finally, I got to pitch an ecommerce idea to the neighborhood store owner. It’s a good idea, but everyone’s planning Papi’s funeral.
Papi had a nice funeral at Leak and Sons. Not on Halsted however, at their new location in the South Suburbs near my dad and stepmother’s place. Since Papi was so well liked, the Chapel was packed. It was tough to be at another funeral but I was glad to see all of my family. Also, I wasn’t sure when she started but, my step-brother’s aunt worked at the Leaks near 79th and Cottage.
I decided to take a break from school. I had also inherited Papi’s car with all of his police decals and society decals tacked all over it. Every time I got into that car, I turned on his favorite jazz station that was already set in the vehicle. The cold winter in Chicago was good for one thing, having the time to cry as I warm up the car. The next one to die and be buried with Leak and Sons was my stepmother.
