Giving it up

By Joy Lynn Clark

January 10, 2022

After I had my baby boy I settle down quickly. I had a live-in guy for a couple of years and then we broke up.

I was back in treatment because I was getting sick again and I was making some of the best music of my life. I quit everything – Meat, pot, and cigarettes.

In reality, the mest was because I really wanted to lose weight. The pot and the cigarettes were mainly for financial reasons. And Chicago cigarette prices have risen an extra three dollars a pack and I just refuse to Pay that much.

Also, I didn’t like buying pot around the hood anymore with my baby boy. I really could just save some money.

I was sick, broke, and this time my doctor recommends that I apply for disability. It was a process.

I was also setting up my business as a songwriter. I had already been a BMI writer for five years but, I hadn’t actually made any moves businesswise. All of this treatment and hanging around the house seemed like a good time. I also started filing copy rights and, I set up an ASCAP Account at my other aunts very strong suggestion.

My little cousin comes back from college. She’s grown now and pays me a visit. She offers me pot. At first I am hesitant but then I think that it might be funny to smoke with little cuz so I do.

She whipped out a bowl, bong, grinder, Blow torch and all sorts of accessories that just cracks me up. I asked her about college and she tells me her major and how she loves it there.

Then after a bit she tells me she has to leave. I’m like, “back to your moms house?” Which is right down the street. She’s like, “no I’m driving all the way back to college right now.” I didn’t know what to do. “You can’t just leave right now with all of that contraband.” I felt so bad. All I could imagine was Lil Cuz getting pulled over in the middle of nowhere with all of that crap. In my day you leave all the stuff at home and you just carry papers.

I ask her to leave it with me so that I can wash the items out. I did and had not smoked pot again for years. I placed the items in my old backpack because she will call for them eventually.

As for the disability, it was a long process and I ended up having to move back with my dad and stepmom.

I spent a couple of years heavily medicated and in treatment. When I got my next therapist we decided to work out my goals. Top of the list, was to buy a house. My parents were surprisingly cool but, as usual my stepmom and I are butting heads in the kitchen. Especially with me preparing meals for a child now.

My step brother invites me to his birthday party in a bar. I haven’t been out in so long. I am excited. We get there and I have a great time. Then I pass out at the bar.

I am so embarrassed. I don’t know what happened. One minute I’m fine and the next I am a butt–faced–Fool.

When I get home I examine my medication and I realize that one says, “do not drink.” OMG I should’ve checked first.

Back with my psychiatrist I tell him that I must change my meds because I like to go out sometimes.

Then my therapist and I go about obtaining those goals. I am waiting tables now but I need to make more money and a better schedule. I decide to go and get my bartending certificate. I Bartended for a while but I still think that I am not making enough money.

My therapist recommends going back to college. I am in good standing so I decided to apply. I got in with an academic grant and a Pell Grant. I am only responsible for books.

The day that I dusted off that old backpack guess what I found? Little cousins bong. bowl, and grinder. I throw it in the trash. I figure that if she wanted it she would’ve called.